Shoving it in the racists' faces~

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:

"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."

"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And yet you have the nerve to call me colored"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

Read the sarcasm folks~
Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriages Are Wrong

(A Little Humor)

1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, menopausal women, women who have a medical condition which makes it harmful to be pregnant, women who have had a tubal ligation, men who have had a vasectomy, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

lol..
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES

Say the words out loud.

1) That's not right... ...Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ...Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP... ...Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man... ... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse... ...Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach?...Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here...Wai So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone...No Pah King
12) Our meeting is next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight...Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile...Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great... ...Fa Kin Su Pah

~~Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?~~

"Why would he be on a road? I thought chickens lived in the ocean..." -Jessica Simpson

"That (censor) fool of a chicken didn't (censor) know what the (censor) he was doin' crossin' a (censor) alley in (censor) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censor) morning" -Snoop Dogg

"To cross or not to cross, that is the question" -Shakespeare

"I agree that the chicken should cross the road, but I believe he should not get to the other side" -John Kerry

"Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads" -Charles Darwin

"And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken 'Thou shall cross the road'. And the chicken did, and there was much rejoicing" -Moses

"To go where no chicken has gone before" -Neil Armstrong

"We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Its either with us or against us, there's no middle ground here" -George W. Bush

"Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told" -Dr. Seuss

"In my day, we didn't as why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us" -Grandpa

"Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyways?'" -Jerry Seinfeld

"The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road" -Richard Nixon

"This was an unprevoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it" -Saddam Hussein

"I missed one?" -Colonel Sanders

Which do you think...?
Physicists think the world is made of atoms,
Biologists think the world is made of cells,
Musicians think the world is made of vibrations,
Painters think the world is made of lights,
and Authors think the world is made of stories

...I cannot believe you just read through all of that...

Here, have some more ;)

Quotes worth remembering:

A wise man does not piss into the wind.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you vodka, have a party.

If you are not afraid to fail, then you can succeed at anything.

The only stupid questions are the ones you already knew the answers to.

If the prompt tells you to hit any key, and you spend more than two seconds looking for the 'any' key, get the fuck off the computer. The internet is filled with enough idiots already.

If your literary skills are not passable on a fifth grade scale, do not attempt to write fanfiction. The world will thank you later.

If you have half a mind to do something, stop. You obviously haven't thought it through all the way.

This is a real law in Texas: If two trains meet going opposite directions, one may not pass until the other has. www.dumblaws.com

If you can see the white light at the end of the tunnel, get the fuck out of the way, the train's coming.

The sad truth is that common sense isn't all that common.

Remember what the door mouse said: feed your head.

A man who claims to be wise is one who is oblivious to the fact that he is fallible.

Birds of a feather flock together...and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Eventually you will reach a point where you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think about algebra.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks it was called witchcraft. Today, we call it golf.

The rich wage war and pick up their pens to write the history, the poor go to war for the rich and dust off their instruments to write the songs.

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if
a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me. "

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
understand."

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

Friends like you X]

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "Flip!" we messed up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

I can't be bothered to censor this

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for
the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the
heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to
search the entire room for the TV remote because they
refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your
cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you
look".
Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking
after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and
where are they? They need their Ass Kicked!

5. When people say while watching a film "did
you see that?".
No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare
at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"...
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been
anything before it.
If it's an improvement, then there must have been
something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What??
Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!
What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks
"Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

A tad boring one, but somewhat inspirational for creative writing ~~ Random quotes

"I like you...when I destroy the world you shall be the last to die."

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying." - Joseph Heller

"One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever." -Chinese proverb

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die."

"Don't talk unless you can improve the silence."

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. "–Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying."- Woody Allen

"Where am I? Who am I?
How did I come to be here?
What is this thing called the world?
How did I come into the world?
Why was I not consulted?
And If I am compelled to take part in it,
Where is the director?
I want to see him." – Soren Kierkegaard

"Age is a very high price to pay for maturity."

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite."

"Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."

"It's a blessing to die for a cause, because you can so easily die for nothing."-Andrew Young

"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle." – Rita Mae Brown

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."- Paul Newman

"Life has a bright side and a dark side, for the world of relativity is composed of light and shadows. If you permit your thoughts to dwell on evil, you yourself will become ugly. Look only for the good in everything so you absorb the quality of beauty." – Paramahansa Yogananda

"I'm surrounded by idiots, but they all mean well." - Hiei (YYH)

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you could with a kind word alone."- Al Capone

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. "– Charles Dubois

"A conscience doesn't prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it."

"We read the world wrong and say that it deceives us." – Rabindrenath Tagore

"The best way out is always through." – Robert Frost

"My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

"You say you dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me."

"You can't spell slaughter without laughter."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Well behaved women rarely make history. "–Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell." – Emily Dickenson

"Often the best thing about not saying anything is that it can't be repeated."

"You shouldn't talk. It makes you sound stupid." - Yusuke (YYH)

"When an arguer argues dispassionately he thinks only of the argument." – Virginia Woolf

"Did you ever wonder why it is that light can't exist without darkness, but darkness can exist without light?"- Kayla (The Shadow Prophecy by Taki Lorii)(ff.net)

"I'm not stupid, I just don't pay attention."

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." – Albert Einstein

"Dream like you'll live forever, live like you'll die today."

"The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil." – Cicero

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

"Battle not with monsters
lest ye become a monster
and if you gaze into the abyss
the abyss gazes into you." – Friedrich Nietzsche

"War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left."

"That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse."

"Can anything be stupider than that a man has the right to kill me because he lives on the other side of a river and his ruler has a quarrel with mine, though I have not quarreled with him?" – Blaise Pascal